I'm Still Here

I'm still here. It's been a while though. November seemed to go by in a blur. Turning cold. Fishing slowing down for the rest of the season. Thanksgiving came and went in a haze of falling leaves and leftover turkey. Now the Christmas decorations are going up everywhere I look, and the stores are advertising their holiday sales.

Yep. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Oh Joy.

Bah Humbug.

I have more or less decided to boycott Christmas this year. Truthfully, it was decided for me. By my kindhearted company, US Airways. Thank you Mr. Lakefield for the 21% paycut. That pretty much eliminates any hope of buying Christmas presents this year. Sorry Mom and Dad.

I've pretty much put the entire family on notice. Todd is playing Scrooge this year. Oh, I'll shell out a tiny amount for one or two paltry little gifts for my folks. And a couple of little trinkets for my stepdaughter. But that's it. Even that will strap me. Even that will probably go on a credit card that I already can't pay.

Oh yeah. 2004. What a year. I can't wait til it's over. This year absolutely cannot end quick enough for me. There's no way 2005 can get any worse. Even if US Loserways goes Chapter 7 ... it will simply be the end to an already awful saga. It might be a relief. Kinda like when someone you know dies from a long terminal illness. You grieve for them on the one hand, and on the other you're sort relieved it's over.

So I got in the car and cruised down to the mall tonight. Did a smidge of shopping. My ex is leaving on Saturday for Iowa to spend a week or so with her family before Christmas. Her daughter is going with her, of course, but won't be returning until the first of January. So I decided maybe I would get her (my stepdaughter) a little something to put under the tree from me.

So I picked out a couple of little trinkets that I thought she might get a kick out of, and headed home. Then, when I was unloading the car, it hit me. This may be the last time I do any Christmas shopping for them.

Wow.

I was completely unprepared for that thought and the ensuing tidal wave of emotions that washed over me. Next year this time, Lord willing and the creek don't rise, I will be living back in Kernersville. It's my intention, at least. Stacia will be away somewhere at college by then ... and Tori will in all likelihood have moved back to Iowa to be back with her family.

So this might be it. I guess it just never entered my mind til a little while ago. I was already feeling down about the holidays, but this sure doesn't help!

Last year, it was this time when my marriage was going "down the shitter" as my lovely exwife would say. Christmas last year was an afterthought. A pretend, "going through the motions" Christmas which didn't do anyone a bit of good. And now this year I can't afford it.

Which brings me to the second part of my post.

Just what exactly is Christmas? I think we know the answer to that one.
Christmas is the day set aside by Christians to commemorate the day of Jesus' birth. That, and only that, should be our primary focus. With the gift-giving, and partying, and overeating as afterthoughts perhaps. Add-ons. But we turn it all around, as humans will do, and put the emphasis on the commercial aspect.

Year, after year, after year.

But not this year for me. So maybe that's a good thing. Maybe, since I can't afford to "do Christmas" .... I will instead spend my time actually celebrating Christmas for what it really is.
And let the power of that simple birth 2000 years ago wash over me and speed me forward in my healing.

It's something to think about. It sure beats thinking about what I'm not doing. Or what I can't afford. Or wondering how Tori and "monkey-boy" are celebrating their first (or maybe second) Christmas together.

This one will be different.

To be continued ....