Slow and Steady

It's been about a month now since Tori and Stacia invited me to dinner at Olive Garden. That dinner definitely marked a turning point in our relationship, but there is still much work and much talking yet to do.

Last week we saw each other about every other day. Then we spent almost the whole weekend together. We went to the Greek Festival on East Blvd here in Charlotte on Sunday. Ate way too much chicken pitas and baklava but had a great time.

So are we a couple again?

No. Not yet.

We are definitely friends again. Maybe more than "just friends." But we're not a couple again. Not yet. Maybe not for a while. I think we both believe now that it is possible for that to happen.

We've done a lot of soul searching and soul baring in the last month. A lot of confessions .... and apologies .... and reminiscing ........ and looking toward the future. I've always known that I still loved her. I never dreamed I'd here the same words come out of her mouth.

She told me she has regretted leaving me from day one .... that she has regretted hurting me from day one ..... that she has wanted me back from day one ..... but her pride and her stupidity and her bad choices have stood between us all this time. It took an epiphany about 4 months ago to begin slowly bending her back towards where "she was always meant to be."

Ok .... so now the inevitable question is raised: "How can you trust her after what she did?"

The answer: "Faith."
And "Forgiveness."

That's all I got to lean on.
It's all I need to lean on at this point.

I have a strange sort of peace in my heart. Like this was meant to happen.

So that even if it all ends again tomorrow ..... I will finally know for sure. I won't be plagued the rest of my life with the "what ifs" and the "whys" and the "hows" ..... all that has been answered now.

Now it's just a matter of time. For us.

We're moving slowly and steadily and just feeling it all out and going on faith and enjoying each other's company and talking and talking and talking.

I still feel like God's hand is in it. For better or for worse. One way or the other.

As always ..... I'll keep you all updated .....

Now ...... on to lighter subject matter .......
If anyone is at all interested, I have a silly little webpage at MySpace.com.
Click here or paste http://www.myspace.com/webturbo into your web browser.
Check it out and drop me a note or leave nasty comments on the site ..... LOL .......
If you click on the link that says "View All of Todd's Friends" you'll see a picture of my beautiful step-daughter Stacia!
(shameless plug).

Ok ...... that's all for now!

Twists and Turns and Long Nights and Revelations

It's been a while.

My life has gotten incredibly busy and incredibly complex in the last month.

First school ....

I started back to college on August 15th. I'm going to Central Piedmont Community College three nights a week studying Graphic Arts. This semester I'm only taking two classes but they are keeping me busier than I've been in 15 years. I'm in class from 6 to around 10 Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights. I'll probably be at the school on the occasional Wednesday as well to take advantage of open computer labs.

I'm psyched for this .... that's for sure. This is what I started out studying in college over 20 years ago at UNC-Greensboro. Before common sense took a backseat to the airline industry and I dropped out to work on airplanes! LOL What the hell was I thinking? Why didn't someone kick me square in the head 20 years ago?

I guess in fairness 20 years ago it was a damn good job. None of us then could have foreseen the horrible changes in the industry which would drive so many of us from the industry either involuntarily or by choice.

As they say .... "Hindsight is 20/20"

I take Computer Graphics 121 on Monday nights. We're learning most of the major Adobe Graphics programs. Illustrator, Photoshop, InDesign, GoLive, Pagemaker, Acrobat, etc .......
Complex stuff .... and it's all on the Mac which I had no experience with until my first night of school! But so far it's been a blast and I can't wait to get deeper into it.

On Tuesday and Thursday nights I have Graphic Art 151 Intro to Print Technology. Now this class is really fun! We're learning the ins and outs of the print industry and we'll be doing three projects: making a label, a business card and a screen-printed t-shirt.

Hopefully in 2 or 3 years I can graduate with an associates degree, find a great job in the Graphic Arts or Print industry and tell Useless Air to kiss my lily-white ass! Oh what a glorious day that will be indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So ...... on to part two ....

Tori and I.

Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday night, Tori called me. She and Stacia invited me out to dinner at Olive Garden. I was pretty taken aback, but figured what the heck ..... she said she was payin' so why pass up a free dinner and a chance to spend some quality time with my step-daughter?

The dinner was great. A near-perfect evening. We sat and talked and laughed and reminisced and for a few hours it was like it was 2001 all over again. The only difference was at the end of the night they both hugged me and drove off in their car instead of going home to "our" house.

But surprisingly I didn't get emotional or anything. Quite the contrary ... I was happy to see them and a little sad to see them go but that was it. I remember going home that night proud of myself.

"I'm moving on," I thought to myself.

Sunday ....... Tori calls.

"We're in the neighborhood, mind if we stop by?"

"Sure ..... I'd be glad to have you."

So they come by and stay almost the whole day. We go out to eat and come back to the house and watch tv and laugh and talk and I just keep wondering "what's going on?"

So I call Tori at work Monday and ask her if she'd like to go eat lunch. We head over to Quiznos and we talk. And talk. And talk. And I take her back to work and she calls when I get off work. And we talk and talk and talk.

And so we get together briefly after work on Tuesday before school ........ and we talk and talk and we talk.

We've been talking ever since.

I've seen her and Stacia about 6 times in the last two weeks. Yesterday they came over around noon and stayed until almost nine oclock.

Amazing what a difference a year and 8 months can make in your perspective. In your emotions. Amazing what a difference just talking makes.

If we had talked like this two years ago we would still be married. I have no doubt whatsoever.

So what's up?

I'm really not completely sure. Yet. I think I will know in time.
But I have heard things come out of her mouth in the last two weeks that I never thought I'd ever hear. Good things and horrible things. Things I needed to hear and things I probably didn't ever need to hear.

When she leaves, she gives me a long lingering hug and kisses my cheek and tells me she loves me. And I tell her the same thing.

But it's not really the same.

We both know it.

We both know that we are "tentatively, haltingly, gingerly testing the waters."
We both know we had, in her words, "A damn good thing and it should have never ended."

But can it be saved?
Now .... after all this water has washed under the bridge?

I don't know. I know she doesn't know.

But we have to see. We have to test the waters. We have to at least make an effort.

Or we'll never know for sure. And neither one of us wants that monkey hanging on our backs for all eternity.

So we're not a couple again ......... yet ...... and yet somehow we sort of are ...... in a hesitant, chaste sort of way.

While we talk. And talk. And talk.

We both know there is a shit-load of talking yet to do before we take a next step. "The" next step. If we can't resolve certain issues ..... then there will be no next step.

And that will be fine too. Because we both will have peace knowing we tried.

That is where we are right now.

I could write all night. But I won't. Even as soul-baring as this blog has been, some things are better left private ....... intimate .... between two people.

I used to say I would never get over her.

I know now that if this doesn't work out, I will have gotten all the answers to my questions.

And I will be over her.

But not before I try ......

Stay tuned ..........