Hoping ...

I'm hoping the worst is over. That's a broad and optimistic statement, but I hope it's true. This past week has been a really good one. Did I think about my wife? Oh yeah. Constantly. Did I instantly sink into a dark depression? Not once. I'm not really sure why. I know a couple of weeks ago I thought I had turned a major corner .. on the issue of forgiveness. But then I relapsed. But I'm back to feeling good again. Let me rephrase that ... feeling level .. even .... I'm still not back to normal and don't know that I ever will be. A part of me will always be different. Changed. Maybe for the good. Time will tell.

I'm still working hard at the whole forgiveness issue. It's so hard, but the more I can do it .... forgive, that is, the happier I am and the more at peace I am. That's why I haven't posted since Monday. I really just haven't had anything to talk about. Unusual, but promising. The more of this bitter crap I get out of my head, the less there will be to unload on these pages.

I've noticed something .. the more I concentrate on forgiving Tori, the more I feel sorry for her instead of angry at her. I think she is at heart a good, decent person. But she had a very rough childhood. A dysfunctional broken home being passed back and forth from parent to parent. Factor in some mental and physical abuse at the hands of her mom and stepdad, and the seeds are sown. She had a history of failed and dysfunctional relationships before we met .... and I guess when you're in love you just sort of overlook the warning signs. I thought maybe I would be the one who stopped the cycle. But I guess not. And that's why I feel sorry for her. She just doesn't seem to be capable of being happy. Or letting herself be happy. That's why nothing I did ever made her happy. At least after the new wore off the relationship.

I'm not only praying for myself these days, but for Tori as well. Praying hard. Maybe she's hurting as much as I am ... just from different wounds. Wounds that hurt just the same.