I'm So Lonely Tonight

I went down to the Catawba River in Belmont tonight. I went catfishing with my best bud. Not much luck. But we had fun. Stayed there past midnight. Haven't done that in a long time!

Which makes coming home so sad. Last year, we did this mucho, mucho times. I would come dragging in around 2:00am Saturday morning. The house would be dark except for a light on in the kitchen. I'd try to be quiet, but I'd always end up waking up Tori. She'd roll over in bed and grin all sleepily.
"Did you catch anything?"
"Yeah, a couple .... we fileted them," I'd reply and lean over and kiss her on the cheek. She's crinkle her nose and go, "yuk ... you stink!! Take a shower!!"
I'd laugh and head for the bathroom. After a hot shower, I'd slip into bed besider her. All cozy and warm and fall asleep dreaming of big catfish.

So it sucks so bad dragging in tonight to my big, ol' empty house. The familiar light on in the kitchen. But no one in the bed to sleepily greet me.

I have such a hard time late at night.
I don't sleep good anymore without her.
I don't know if I ever will again.

I've spent the last 2 days talking on the phone to her almost nonstop. I had to get some non-rev airline tickets for her daughter to go see her dad in Iowa. All the planning, checking flights and coordinating everything took lots of phone calls. It was so much like old times. Which made me miss her so much.

She was off work today. She has most Fridays off. I'll be driving down the street toward the house after work, and I'll have this brief little fantasy flash through my head. In my dream, I pull up in the driveway and her car is parked there. I go in and see her purse on the kitchen counter. Where it always used to stay. I tiptoe quietly to the bedroom and she's stretched out on the bed sleeping. I curl up beside her and she wakes up and says, "I love you and I want to come home."

And then, or course, I pull into the driveway ... the empty driveway ... and unlock the door to my empty house. It's all a fantasy. A dream. Maybe a pipe dream.

I just wonder over and over as I go to bed each night ... if she's curling up in bed with someone else?

God I wish the feelings and thoughts and dreams and fantasies and longings would just go away.
Would just disappear.
If I can't have her, then I wish I would stop dreaming about her!
Please Lord ......