This is the chinese symbol for "forgiveness" To forgive, or to pardon. It is pronounced "Shu". 

Still striving towards FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness.

A simple word, yet such a difficult, and sometimes foreign, concept. The Bible is full of scriptures related to forgiveness. It can be argued that forgiveness is indeed the central theme of the Bible.
Just about every foreign culture and language has a word, phrase or concept for forgiveness.

So why is it so hard to do?
Or sometimes accept?

As I have journeyed these last 9 months through my separation, my emotions have swung from one extreme to another. From loving my wife so much that I sometimes think I cannot live without her, to hating her so much I would like to see her dead. Sometimes these swings happen in the same day ... or the same hour!

At this point, I have come to realize that saving my marriage is impossible. It is simply not going to happen. My wife has moved on. She has a new love in her life, new friends, a new home .... the old things are passed away for her. I have become just a sad footnote in the pages of her own history. A chapter she will never read again.

So instead of focusing my energies on, "What did I do wrong?"
Or, "What can I do to change things?"
Or even, "How can I make things right?"

I am going to focus on getting better. On healing. On forgiving.

You see, if I don't learn to forgive her for everything she did to destroy our marriage, then I can never be completely free of her. And if I don't learn to forgive myself for everything I did to destroy her faith in me, and her love for me, then I can never be completely free from myself. Free from my own torments. My own demons. The "what-if" that will haunt me the rest of my life and never let me go.

It's all about forgiveness.

So how do I go about this task of forgiving?

I'm not completely sure. I do know it cannot happen overnight. It must happen a little bit at a time, and only with God's help. I must be constantly on my guard for the slightest thought which would betray my anger or resentment towards her. And when I feel such a thought invading my mind, then I must ask God to blot it out. To release me from the anger and hate. And instead, allow me to love her again. Not as my wife anymore. But as a person. As a child of God. As a human being who made a mistake, like all of us. And who must live with this mistake the rest of her life.

I feel like I must ... absolutely must .... be willing to love her again. And be her friend. If I am to ever love myself, or love another woman.

Oh God this is one of the hardest things to do. It is human nature to want revenge. To strike out at those who have wronged us. But we accomplish nothing by doing so. Only furthering our own hate and ill-will.

Forgiveness.

A mighty word.

A divine word.

Tori called me this week. On the surface, it was to tell me to be on the lookout for a lost cat. She thought it might be trying to find it's way back to my house. Our old house.

My heart tells me that's not the real reason she called. Sometimes we can see through the words of someone who is very close to us. There was something just under the surface. I could sense it. A vague uneasiness. A feeling of unhappiness. I feel like she wants to bare her soul to me. To "get it all out." To finally come clean. She has been hinting about this for sometime. She said to me in an email a month or so ago, that she was sorry for everything that had happened. She ended the email by saying, "... that's not everything I want to say to you. Or ever could say to you."

I think she feels the need to be free herself.
I think she needs to forgive and be forgiven too.

We are going to try and get together soon. We talked about it the other day. She has some things she needs to drop off at the house. And I have some mail for her. And an insurance document she needs. So she'll come over one day soon and we'll exchange some things and probably sit on the front porch and have a glass of tea. We'll talk about the weather. And the flowers in the yard, which she keeps saying she is going to dig up. And our pets. And her daughter. We always talk about those things when she comes by.

But maybe this time we can talk about us. We need to talk about us.

So we can forgive. And let go. And move on.

This is my greatest hope right now. My greatest aim.

And possibly the hardest thing I have ever done.

Forgiveness.

New Month .... New Worries

It's been over a month since I posted. It's been a real up and downer. Rollercoaster, as usual.

My dog keeps me busy in good ways and bad. She does bring joy into my life, which has been badly missing. But at the same time she has wreaked havoc as well. Destroyed furniture and mini-blinds by the box-full. She seems to have a strange fetish for eating mini-blinds. I do not have a solution for that problem yet.

My employer, US Airways has once again stuck a rather large knife in my back. I'm so used to it by now that the announcement on Friday that I will soon be on the receiving end of a 21% pay cut barely even fazed me. It's like, what else can go wrong? How else will they screw us? It's as if I've come to expect the worse from this sorry, inept bunch of posers and losers at the top of our company food chain .... I say food chain because that's all they know how to do. Eat employees and spit them out.

I will undoubtedly have to get a part-time job before this is all over with. Another thing to thank my dear, departed wife for. Thank you for nothing, you stupid bitch. With 2 salaries, we might have at least been able to cut back on some things and still lived comfortably. But there's nothing I can do about that now, so why cry about it?

I have been on a real strange rollercoaster as of late concerning my ex-wife. My emotional swings seem to go to extremes. I'm either completely and utterly done with her ... and full of bitter spite and hate for her .... or I'm finding myself in the swing in the backyard today, eyes filling up with tears and wishing desperately that she'd come home.

It doesn't help at all that I had another run-in with her and her new prick-boy the other day. Saw them from a distance in a shopping center parking lot. Tori and her Monkey-boy, and Tori's daughter Stacia. They were walking across the parking lot together like a happy little family. Monkey-boy looks even more like a thug up close than he did that day I got my first glimpse in the car. He's everything she didn't like about me. Go figure. Long, unwashed hair in a pony-tail almost to his waist, about 20 tattoos on each forearm up to his elbows, a beer-gut sticking out about a foot in front of him encased in a skin-tight "wife-beater" tank top, and a cigarette permanently attached to his lower lip. What a catch, Tori. What a real find ya got there sweetheart. What a man. How about a little compare and contrast here?

Let's see, in 2002 I was pestered, bugged, nagged and cajoled to death by Tori and her best friend Jamie to "get with the 21st century" and cut my long hair. So I finally did just to shut the bitches up if for no other reason. I guess that was all a big lie, eh?
I have one tattoo on my left shoulder which I've had for about 10 years. When I started thinking about getting another one on my other shoulder last year, I was almost begged not to. "You'll look like a thug, you'll look like a biker, it's a waste of money, your parents will freak" ... yadda yadda yadda. I guess tattoos suddenly gained sex-appeal to the bitch this year!
And the beer-gut .... hmmmmm ..... I could stand to lose about 15 pounds. Not bad considering I carry it pretty good on a 6'3" frame. But to her, I was "fat" .... in need of a diet, always drinking too much beer ... "making you fatter" ... on and on and on ..... Hmmm ..... maybe it was reverse psychology! Maybe she wanted me to actually get fatter, since that seems to be attractive to her on monkey-boy!

Yeah ..... I guess I was just a real asshole ..... so I guess this new guy is everything I wasn't .... oh, wait a minute .... he's everything I was!! And then some! Isn't that strange? Go figure!?!

Has any man anywhere, in the history of modern civilization, been ever to figure out women?
Point me in his direction .. cause I want to read every one of his books!

Well .... just wanted to rant a bit today. Try to post more often. With my new impending pay-cut, and the holidays fast approaching, I'm sure I'll have plenty to rant about in the days to come.