Still striving towards FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness.

A simple word, yet such a difficult, and sometimes foreign, concept. The Bible is full of scriptures related to forgiveness. It can be argued that forgiveness is indeed the central theme of the Bible.
Just about every foreign culture and language has a word, phrase or concept for forgiveness.

So why is it so hard to do?
Or sometimes accept?

As I have journeyed these last 9 months through my separation, my emotions have swung from one extreme to another. From loving my wife so much that I sometimes think I cannot live without her, to hating her so much I would like to see her dead. Sometimes these swings happen in the same day ... or the same hour!

At this point, I have come to realize that saving my marriage is impossible. It is simply not going to happen. My wife has moved on. She has a new love in her life, new friends, a new home .... the old things are passed away for her. I have become just a sad footnote in the pages of her own history. A chapter she will never read again.

So instead of focusing my energies on, "What did I do wrong?"
Or, "What can I do to change things?"
Or even, "How can I make things right?"

I am going to focus on getting better. On healing. On forgiving.

You see, if I don't learn to forgive her for everything she did to destroy our marriage, then I can never be completely free of her. And if I don't learn to forgive myself for everything I did to destroy her faith in me, and her love for me, then I can never be completely free from myself. Free from my own torments. My own demons. The "what-if" that will haunt me the rest of my life and never let me go.

It's all about forgiveness.

So how do I go about this task of forgiving?

I'm not completely sure. I do know it cannot happen overnight. It must happen a little bit at a time, and only with God's help. I must be constantly on my guard for the slightest thought which would betray my anger or resentment towards her. And when I feel such a thought invading my mind, then I must ask God to blot it out. To release me from the anger and hate. And instead, allow me to love her again. Not as my wife anymore. But as a person. As a child of God. As a human being who made a mistake, like all of us. And who must live with this mistake the rest of her life.

I feel like I must ... absolutely must .... be willing to love her again. And be her friend. If I am to ever love myself, or love another woman.

Oh God this is one of the hardest things to do. It is human nature to want revenge. To strike out at those who have wronged us. But we accomplish nothing by doing so. Only furthering our own hate and ill-will.

Forgiveness.

A mighty word.

A divine word.

Tori called me this week. On the surface, it was to tell me to be on the lookout for a lost cat. She thought it might be trying to find it's way back to my house. Our old house.

My heart tells me that's not the real reason she called. Sometimes we can see through the words of someone who is very close to us. There was something just under the surface. I could sense it. A vague uneasiness. A feeling of unhappiness. I feel like she wants to bare her soul to me. To "get it all out." To finally come clean. She has been hinting about this for sometime. She said to me in an email a month or so ago, that she was sorry for everything that had happened. She ended the email by saying, "... that's not everything I want to say to you. Or ever could say to you."

I think she feels the need to be free herself.
I think she needs to forgive and be forgiven too.

We are going to try and get together soon. We talked about it the other day. She has some things she needs to drop off at the house. And I have some mail for her. And an insurance document she needs. So she'll come over one day soon and we'll exchange some things and probably sit on the front porch and have a glass of tea. We'll talk about the weather. And the flowers in the yard, which she keeps saying she is going to dig up. And our pets. And her daughter. We always talk about those things when she comes by.

But maybe this time we can talk about us. We need to talk about us.

So we can forgive. And let go. And move on.

This is my greatest hope right now. My greatest aim.

And possibly the hardest thing I have ever done.

Forgiveness.