Making changes

I've been struggling alot lately with wanting to make changes. In my life, work, home ... you name it. I know these feelings were born out of the frustration and feelings of loss and uncertainty stemming from my wife leaving me.

I may have no choice in the work situation. My company is on the brink of bankruptcy. It's second in just about a year. It doesn't look good this time. Even if we are able to reorganize and emerge strong from a second bankruptcy, it will probably mean the loss of hundreds if not thousands of jobs. As well as massive pay and benefit cuts which may force many of the surviving employees to seek jobs elsewhere. I know I have great seniority: twenty years in my current classification. So I may be one of the lucky ones that holds on to a job. But I also know I can barely afford to live in my house right now. If my pay is slashed 3 - 5 dollars an hour, like we're hearing the company is wanting, then I will be faced with either working a second job, finding a new higher paying job (unlikely given my education background) or selling my house, paying off all my debts from the proceeds, and finding a cheap apartment to live in for the time being.

Selling my house isn't the worst of possibilities. I have been toying with that idea anyway. It's very difficult living here alone. When my wife and I bought this house in April of 2001, we were full of hopes and dreams and optimism for the future. When we moved in, we brought all those things with us into this house. And in the 3 and half years since, a thousand memories have taken up residence as well. Everywhere I look I see reminders. This house is full of ghosts. No, not the Hollywood kind, with chains and scary moans in the night ... These are the ghosts of forgotten dreams, hopes, love, laughter ..... The ghosts of the future which have been denied their own fulfillment. The ghosts of home cooked meals, scrabble games at the kitchen table until the wee hours. Ghosts of teenage feet running in and out the front door unceasingly. Ghosts of everything I ever wanted my marriage to be.
These ghosts haunt me night and day. They are not easily dispelled.

Sometimes I think the only way to exorcise these ghosts would be to leave them here. To start again somewhere else. Not a new town, no ... I like it here. But a new house ... In a new neighborhood. Where the sights and sounds of day to day life don't continuously remind me of what I lost.

And I've been thinking about focusing my attention on others for a change. Take the focus off myself and my own miseries. I have a friend who volunteers at a nursing home in Belmont. He does minor repairs and maintenance. His girlfriend is heavily involved with the home and got him into it.
I think I will check into whether there is anything I can do to help out there. I looooove older people. Just adore them. I love to sit and listen to their stories and see the twinkle in their eyes when they talk about the "good ole days".
Maybe that would be a good way to pull the focus off myself. Helping others.
Of all the changes looming on the horizon, that might be the best.

My wife's lovely grandmother emailed me this week. She still sends me stuff on a regular basis. Still considers me her "honorary grandson." Still adores me and I her. She is struggling with her feelings toward her granddaughter. She has talked to her a few times about us, and is of the opinion that something is wrong with Tori. Something psychological. Something in her basic makeup which has caused her to never be happy, never satisfied with what she has, never content .... Grandma says those feelings are rife within her family. The Donovan family is littered with the ashes of divorce and ruin because of those feelings. She said that if that is true, then maybe I can comfort myself with the knowledge that no matter what I did, the marriage was doomed from the beginning. Nothing was really my fault and it was out of my hands all along.
On the other hand, she is still devastated by our breakup. By the loss of a "grandson" and the realization that the "curse" has struck again.

I feel so sorry for her and I love and adore her. And I wish my wife had a tenth of the wisdom her grandmother has. I hope one day she can acquire that sort of wisdom.

That's all for now. My mind is churning with topics to write about, but my cramping fingers need a break.

I pray that the hurt will go away.
I hold on to that hope.
And if the hurt goes away, maybe the ghosts will go with it.