And Still I Love Her

Sigh ....

My wife called me today at work. Just small talk. Nothing really important. Catching up, I guess. She does that from time to time and it leaves me so confused. I'm always so happy to hear her voice. I perk up, and we joke and laugh and act like we did when we were in love all those months ago. Then we hang up and it's back to reality.

My inner voice keeps telling me to break the ice one of these times, and ask her to get together ... or maybe just come out and be blunt and tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her. But I never do. We just talk and hang up and I'm happy and sad all at the same time.

She's coming by one night this week ... she has a check for me and a couple of other things to drop off. I know when she comes over, we'll sit on the front porch and talk. We'll talk about the weather, and our friends. And our family. Probably the cats and the flower beds I'm hopelessly neglecting. We'll talk about everything but us. Because I'm dying to talk about us but I'm scared to death to talk about us. I have the feeling she is too.

A part of my sub-conscience ... a six sense or something, tells me she still loves me. I have the feeling she wages the same inner war I do. Maybe even on a daily basis. But I don't know if either one of us has the guts to bring it out in the open.

I love her and miss her.
I hate her and wish she'd go away.

I've got to resolve those two issues, or neither one of us will ever have peace. Or be truly free.

The Yahoo Group I mentioned in the last post, Hearts On The Mend, has been helping me tremendously. Just by reinforcing that I'm not alone. But sometimes I still feel very much alone.

Maybe it's like Dr. Phil says in this book I read, you've got to get right with yourself before you can possibly get right with the other person. I think there's a lot of truth in that statement. Right now I really, really need to get right with myself. In my own head.

But I need her more than ever. And I still ... still ..... think if given the opportunity I could find the power to try .... to try to work it out .... and love her all over again.

...maybe just a minute, feel no pain ..........