Depression

Back on the bottom again today. I have a window at work that faces the street. My wife drives by my window every day on her way to and from work. It's the only route she can take. When we were married, I loved to keep watch around the appropriate time and try to spot her little red cavalier as it went by. Many times, I'd see her go by and I'd call her on her cell phone. We'd chat a little as she drove in to work. God that seems so long ago. Now, I still stare out that window around 7am. Looking for the little red cavalier. I thought I saw it go by this morning and my heart jumped up in my throat. I wanted to call her on the cell so bad. But I didn't. Some days I don't have the courage to talk to her .... but sit around wishing she would call.
So I'm sitting on the couch around 9:30p tonight, and I decide I'm going to call her. I'm nervous like a teenager. Heart thumping, throat dry. No answer at her home. Or on her cell. Now my mind is spinning. Wonder where she is? Who she's with? Friends? This new guy I keep hearing whispers about? Is she at his house, maybe curled up on the couch with him, watching a movie ..... like we used to do? I can picture her leaning over onto the floor to pick up her cell phone from her purse .... "Who is it?" dickweed asks her. She gets a strange look on her face. "It's Todd .... I wonder what he wants this time of night? ... I'll let the voicemail get it." He smiles at her and hugs her close as she tosses the cell back into her purse and snuggles back into his arms. Arms that should be mine.
Oh God .... it hurts so bad. Why does my mind just conjure up stuff like this? It tortures me ... but I love her so bad I just can't bear to imagine her with anyone else!!!
I wish someone would help me find a way to move on with my life. To get help. To get answers. To get some peace.
I love her so much and I miss her so much and I don't know if I'll ever be over her ............................................