Why?

I'm sitting here crying and I don't know why I still love her so much. The way she treated me. The last year of our marriage she pretty much treated me like shit. Like a dog. She walked all over my feelings and didn't give a shit. She nagged and scolded and talked down to me like a child every chance she could. She never had anything to do with my family, but expected me to get on a plane with her and fly out of state every time she wanted to go home. Her kid could cuss her out to her face, and ten minutes later they would be on the floor giggling and friends again. If I just raised an eyebrow at her at the wrong time, I might be on her shit list for 2 days. My wife always said to me, "I never get anything from you .....you never tell me anything, you never let me know what you're thinking or how you feel about anything." That's because it didn't matter to her. She didn't give a damn about the way I felt about anything. When I did tell her my feelings or thoughts on a subject, she took delight in criticising everything I said and making me feel like my feelings were not valid. I lost all self esteem and self confidence the last year we were together. I lost my manhood. She took it away from me then rubbed it in my face by leaving me for another man.
God, sometimes I hate her so freakin' much.
Then other times I love her and can't stand to be away from her.
I don't understand this dynamic at all. By all rights I should be glad to be rid of her .... so why don't I feel this way?
Why do I love her so much and miss her so much and just want her back home?
I just want her back home.
I want my wife back.
I want what we had before.
I want to love her again.
I want to hold her again.
I'll do anything to get her back.