Mountain Biking

I've started back on my bike again this week. Good, good therapy. If ever there was a sport, or exercise, to completely take your mind off the world, then mountain biking is it. Mountain biking requires total concentration on the task at hand. There's no room for error. You're maneuvering through trees, roots and rocks, over bridges and streams and pounding your legs through climbs that make you want to scream .... it's total body workout and total escapism for an hour or so.

My mental outlook has been pretty good the last couple of weeks. I still have my moments, mind you, but I'm dealing with them. The Hearts on the Mend group at Yahoo has been working wonders for me. Sometimes, people can be the best cure, you know?

Now ... it's Sunday ... a laid-back, lazy day for me ... and I hope it doesn't rain! Because if it doesn't, then I'm back out on the trail!

See ya there

Few and Far Between

These posts seem to be coming few and far between. I guess in a way that's good. But it doesn't necessarily mean I'm "cured" or better ..... I've really gotten involved with the Yahoo Group I mentioned in previous posts. Hearts on the Mend    It's similar to blogging, only people respond back and forth constantly all day. More like a newsgroup, I guess. Everyone there is going through pretty much the exact same thing I am. The feedback has been tremendous. I will probably devote most of my posting time to that group, and only post here now and then. When I have something really personal to get off my chest that I don't feel like sharing with the other group.
 
Friends are great, even when they are folk you've never met in real life!!!


 

And Still I Love Her

Sigh ....

My wife called me today at work. Just small talk. Nothing really important. Catching up, I guess. She does that from time to time and it leaves me so confused. I'm always so happy to hear her voice. I perk up, and we joke and laugh and act like we did when we were in love all those months ago. Then we hang up and it's back to reality.

My inner voice keeps telling me to break the ice one of these times, and ask her to get together ... or maybe just come out and be blunt and tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her. But I never do. We just talk and hang up and I'm happy and sad all at the same time.

She's coming by one night this week ... she has a check for me and a couple of other things to drop off. I know when she comes over, we'll sit on the front porch and talk. We'll talk about the weather, and our friends. And our family. Probably the cats and the flower beds I'm hopelessly neglecting. We'll talk about everything but us. Because I'm dying to talk about us but I'm scared to death to talk about us. I have the feeling she is too.

A part of my sub-conscience ... a six sense or something, tells me she still loves me. I have the feeling she wages the same inner war I do. Maybe even on a daily basis. But I don't know if either one of us has the guts to bring it out in the open.

I love her and miss her.
I hate her and wish she'd go away.

I've got to resolve those two issues, or neither one of us will ever have peace. Or be truly free.

The Yahoo Group I mentioned in the last post, Hearts On The Mend, has been helping me tremendously. Just by reinforcing that I'm not alone. But sometimes I still feel very much alone.

Maybe it's like Dr. Phil says in this book I read, you've got to get right with yourself before you can possibly get right with the other person. I think there's a lot of truth in that statement. Right now I really, really need to get right with myself. In my own head.

But I need her more than ever. And I still ... still ..... think if given the opportunity I could find the power to try .... to try to work it out .... and love her all over again.

...maybe just a minute, feel no pain ..........

Hearts on the mend

Sorry it's been a while. I've been busy with life, which is good.

I found this awesome Yahoo Group called Hearts on the Mend. Every member has some story to tell of heartbreak. Mostly broken marriages. It's amazing how many people have the exact same story to tell. Just the names and places changed.

I've been up and down this week. Very extreme up and down. I've broke down and cried a few times .... which I haven't done it a while .... just thinking about the good times we had and how much I miss sleeping beside her in bed. Then, conversely, I've thought alot about the last month or so of the marriage, and how completely shitty she treated me. And all the things she did. And how she was probably seeing someone else during all that. And I just boil with hatred for her. Black hatred.

I don't like feeling like that, but I can't help it. When it comes, it comes.

She hurt me so bad. And I loved her so much.

Thanks for everything, thanks for nothing.

Give me a break

My wife and I had lots of mutual friends. And even though we are split up, I still see many of these folk and they still see Tori from time to time as well. In the weeks and months since the separation, I have had opportunity to talk to many of these friends about what happened. Almost all of them have the same thing to say. They say something along the lines of: "Tori never talks bad about you, Todd. She always says how bad she feels about everything that happened and she takes the blame for most of it. She also has said over and over that she only wishes the best for you and hopes you'll be able to move on with your life and find someone who will treat you well, like you deserve and fulfill all your needs and wants in life."

Give me a fucking break. Why is it that whenever a woman dumps, leaves, divorces a man, she always says something along those lines. It freaking makes me crazy. As if by saying a few shmaltzie lines of "well wishes" they can negate all the hurt and ill will they've brought upon their former spouse. It's such bullshit and it just pisses me off.

I talked to Tori's mother recently and damn if she didn't say almost the exact same spiel. It's almost like they're reading from a script. "How to leave your man and still come out looking like the victim" .... or something along those lines.

I'm so sick of hearing that shit. If Tori actually cared that much about me, and actually takes blame for what happened, and actually wishes the best for me, then why the hell did she cheat on me and then turn around and leave me? I hate that shit.

I'd rather the bitch just come out and speak the truth : "I don't love him anymore, I hate him and I fell in love with another man .... so whatever."
That would make more sense and actually be more truthful. At least that way you'd know where you stand.

It's almost like they think they're doing you a favor or something. Like they're saying, "I know I treated him like shit for 3 years so I'll do him a favor and leave him so someone better can come along."

Fuck that.

Instead, why didn't you just start treating me like a human being in the first place and put forth a tiny iota of an effort to make the marriage last?

I realize now that my wife never gave a fucking shit about me ..... I guess it was all a scam. A way to get the hell out of Iowa and start a new life. Paid for by a sucker of a husband. Paid for dearly. In dollars, cents and mental and emotional anguish.

That line about, "I hope he finds someone who will treat him well and all that shit..."
Like I'm going to be able to trust another woman anytime in the near future. I don't know when I'll ever be able to trust another woman. How will I ever be able to have another serious relationship when I can't believe a word the woman is saying to me?

I have no reason to believe my wife ever meant anything she said to me in 3 years. It was all a lie. So why believe the next one when she says, "I love you." ... or "For better or for worse" ..... yeah ... ask Tori about that last one.

I'd just as soon stay single the rest of my fucking life than risk another heartbreak like I'm going through now. It sucks, but it's easier ...... that's for sure.

And what really, really pisses me off. Is that my wife has the unmitigated gall to say this shit while sleeping with another man. Some fuck face she met while we were still married. And she had the gall to violate her wedding vows .... yet she speaks of me like she feels so much love and concern for my well being.

Fuck that.
Fuck her.
Fuck Love.

I don't know if I even believe in the concept anymore.

Fuck her.

Happy Birthday

35 years ago today, while the rest of the country was grilling out, partying and shooting off fireworks, Linda Davison was giving birth to her first child ... her first daughter. She and her husband Tom, a seaman in the Navy in Oakland, California, named their daughter Tori Lyn.
32 years later, their daughter married a guy from North Carolina named Todd.
So today, while the rest of the country was grilling out, partying and shooting off fireworks, I was thinking about the woman I loved ..... the woman I still love ... and how much this day meant to me.
I tried to get through today without thinking about it ... that was foolish. I knew I wouldn't make it.
But I miss celebrating her birthday. I miss giving her a sappy card and watching her smile. I miss going to the mall and trying to find the perfect present. I miss telling her I love her on her birthday.
I miss her.
Period.
Happy Birthday darling.
I Love You.