Today has been a good day

Just like the title says. I don't know why. Many different reasons, I guess. I've been pretty up all day. Oh sure, I've thought about Tori. Quite a few times. But for some reason it didn't immediately drive me into depression like it usually does. I had today off from work, so maybe it was getting an extra morning to sleep in. I need those desperately. I haven't slept a full night since January. I toss and turn, have bad dreams, wake up looking for my wife. I've gotten to where I dread going to bed at night. I think being in bed without her is the loneliest part of this whole thing.
Overall, though, today has been a good day.

A Day to Remember

I'm going to break with the theme here for a moment.
As I went out to get my newspaper this morning, I glanced up at the beautiful Star and Stripes flying over my front porch. I was instantly reminded of the real reason I have today off from work. Over the past 100 years, millions have given the most precious gift of all, their lives, to ensure that you and I could stay home and enjoy a day of rest and relaxation today and everday. It is because of these brave men and women of the military, and in many cases civilians, who have made sure we live in a free, democratic society. I applaud them, I thank them, I pray for them and I am humbled by them.
Even my sad situation pales in comparison to their sacrifice!
God Bless and everyone enjoy their day!!!!

Poetry For Today

About a month after Tori and I separated, I wrote this little poem and submitted it to a poetry website. About a month later, I received a nice letter in the mail informing me that my poem had been selected by a panel of judges to be included in an upcoming published book of poetry. I guess I should be pleased. I kept reading waiting to see how to get my free copy. Surprise, no free copy. As a matter of fact, I had to purchase my copy if I wanted one. For about $60.00! A big, tome-like coffee table book of poems. I declined. So maybe it got published anyway. Who knows.

Waking up alone.
I never thought I'd have to do it again.
I feel warm breath on my cheek and smile as I open my eyes.
It's only the cat.
Waking up with the cat is still waking up alone.
Because you're not here.
Because you'll never be here again.
Because I couldn't give you what you need.
Some other man is no longer waking up alone.
And I'm still crying myself to sleep.
And waking up alone.

Not exactly Robert Frost .... or maybe I should say Emily Dickenson.
But it's how I feel everyday.
The pain just doesn't get any better.
Time does heal all wounds. I know this for sure. But how long? How long?

Music as Therapy

I went trout fishing today. Did me good. Good to be out in the fresh air, standing in the water .... in touch with nature instead of in touch with the remote to my TV!
On the way home .. it was about an hour and a half drive .. I got melancholy. Happens alot. I put in a cd which has been the most amazing therapy for me.
Allow me to put in a plug ........
Ty Tabor is the guitarist for the band King's X. The Texas based trio had been putting out records since '88 and touring constantly.
Ty and his wife split up back in '99. He was devastated and went through a period of depression that lasted up until '02 and almost drove him to suicide, not to mention almost breaking up King's X.
To help himself deal with his demons, Ty did a "musical blog" if you will. He wrote a cd's worth of songs about his marriage and it's eventual failure. He called it "Safety" and released it in 2002.
It is the most amazing record. I've never hears such stark, emotional honesty from anyone. This dude went through hell. On the record he chronicles his every emotional swing ... from his love affair with his wife, to their problems and eventual split, to his depression and gradual healing.
I literally cried the whole way through the record the first time I heard it. That was about a month after Tori and I split up. A friend had recommended I get "Safety" and listen closely to the lyrics. I swear, I could be the one singing every one of those songs.
So I put it in on the way home from fishing. And cried through the whole cd ... just like the first time I heard it. It makes me realize I'm not the only soul who is in such pain. And it gives me hope, because Ty eventually healed. It took him 3 long years ... but he finally got on with his life and now has a new woman in his life who is making him very happy.
I can only hope. Right now, that just doesn't seem possible in the near future. It will be a long time before I can trust someone enough to open my heart to them. My heart's been broken too hard this time.
But I can hope ... and dream .... and keep listening to Ty Tabor's record. Because it's my situation to the tee. Expressed in ways I never could!
God bless him!

Baby steps

Baby steps. That's what learning to be alone again is like. Taking baby steps. One foot in front of the other.
I went to the NASCAR festival in uptown Charlotte tonight. Gawd was is crowded. Insane.
It took me right at 45 minutes to walk about 6 blocks. Hot too. I wanted to hang out with a buddy from work and see Joan Jett. So crowded I never did find my friend. But Joan rocked. Very much so. I must say she's aging very gracefully. The den mother and original riot grrrrl is still kicking ass and still taking names!
Like I said in the last post, I kinda thought I might run into my ex. Didn't happen. She very well could have been there in the crowd but it would have been like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. Maybe it was better not to have seen her. I kept flashing back to a year ago this weekend. We went to the festival together. Along with her daughter and some of her friends, and my ex wife's best girl friend. We had a great time. Saw 3 Door Down. Now, a year later. My wife's gone away ... I never see my step daughter either. And my ex's best girl friend is gone too. She was killed in a car accident shortly after we split up. Strange how one year takes it toll.
I kept being reminded of that all night. Everywhere you looked, couples holding hands.
That's why being alone sucks when it comes to going out in public and doing fun things.
I'm really tired ... but I'm kinda afraid to go to sleep tonight. I know I'm going to dream about her. I do constantly. I dream as if we are still together. We always are in my dreams. I wake up and want to tell her about it. But she's not there.
Baby steps .... sigh ..... freakin' baby steps.
Problem is, I keep taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

It's me!! 

Feelin mellow

Long, slow day at work today. Not much to do.
Of course, that means my mind works overtime. Oh well.
One of my biggest concerns about this whole mess is that I'm becoming an alcoholic. I used to drink socially. Now, I'm downing a beer or glass of wine as soon as I walk in the door from work!
A friend used to refer to that as "self medicating". Ha ha ...
I've got 2 glasses of wine in me right now and I'm feeling pretty mellow. Gotta chill. Big festival downtown Charlotte tonight. Ties in with the NASCAR race going on Sunday. Lots of food and drink, vendors and bands! Gonna meet a friend from work tonight and check out Joan Jett. Yep, she's still around and will be jamming uptown around 10:00p. Should be good to get out on the town.
Then again, one big drawback is that the ex and I went to this festival every year. So it wouldn't surprise me to run into her tonight. Don't know if that will be cool or not. If she's by herself, I can probably endure it. If she's with this dickweed she's dating .... hmmmm .... I know I won't do anything stupid. I have too much dignity for that. But it would suck pretty bad. Let's hope that doesn't happen!

Some things suck

I didn't go fishing after all.
I went to my favorite little hole-in-the-wall pool room to try and kick my best friend's ass in a few games of 8-ball. Yeah right. That's fighting a losing battle. He could beat me blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back!

So we're right in the middle of the first rack ... and this girl cranks up some tunes on the jukebox. The first song she plays .... is "Amazed" by country band Lonestar. Now, I'm not a country music fan. Quite the contrary. But my ex-wife was. And that's the song she picked to play at our wedding.

Three years ago, I stood in a little wedding chapel in Myrtle Beach, SC. I held my wife's hands in mine and stared into her eyes as that song played. It's a very long song. About 5 minutes. That was the most awesome and precious 5 minutes of my life. I didn't want it to end. Even months later, we would be driving around somewhere ... that song would come on the radio and both of us would choke up ... reach out and take each other's hand.

What went wrong?
Here it is 3 years later and that song makes me freakin' crazy. Makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor. Go away for a while. Makes me want to cry like a little girl. And real men don't cry, right?

I just wonder if it's gonna be like this for me the rest of my life. Will I be brought to my knees when I'm 60 years old if I hear that song on an "oldies" station? And what about all those other little things that I see and hear and smell and taste and feel on a daily basis that remind me in some way of her?

I keep saying to myself over and over and over ...... "One day at a time." "One foot in front of the other."
But it's so hard, and I miss her so much, and I still love her more than life itself. And I'd forgive her in a heartbeat if she would just come back home.

Fishing as therapy

The one piece of advice I keep hearing from just about everyone is, "Get out of the house! Go do something. Don't sit around at home, it'll only make it worse."

I think that is very true. Of course, sometimes I have no choice but to sit at home. Like when I'm broke, or it's bad weather, or I've got chores to do, etc etc ... But I'm making a conscience effort to get my butt out and around. Most of the time, just having some chore or project to occupy my mind will keep me from dwelling on my wife. Sometimes it doesn't help at all.

Take yesterday, for instance. I got home from work and my neighbor/fishing buddy/pool shark/motivator, Skip wanted to go fishing. Now fishing is one of my favorite pastimes, so we loaded up his truck and went to explore this new pond he had found. We fished for about three hours. Caught numerous bass, crappie and bream (catch and release only). Had a grand time. Normally, I would call that a great day. But for some reason, yesterday my heart just wasn't in it. I stood there on the banks of this gorgeous little pond and thought about my wife the whole time. Her face, her hair, her smell, her kiss, her voice. All those things I miss so much. And this is while fishing!!! A sport which does require at least a little bit of concentration!

I guess I've been noticing that I have up and down periods. They seem to last about a week in length. I'm in a bad, bad down period right now. Brought on, I'm sure, by the revelation from a friend that my former wife is involved with someone else. And this guy, in all probability, was in the picture for a couple of months before she left me.
Until that bit of information found me, I had been doing pretty good over the last several weeks.

I'm considering going fishing again this afternoon. More therapy. When I can walk around the lake/pond for two hours and think about nothing but fish .... I'll know I'm making progress.

One day at a time, folks. One day at a time.

My First Post

Hi,
First of all ..... I'm really new at this. So bear with me as I slowly learn to use this site.

My name is Todd. I'm 40 years old and live in Charlotte, North Carolina. Six months ago I would have never imagined I would be creating something like this. But life has a way of throwing curve balls at you when you least expect them.

This past January, my wife .... my soulmate ... the love of my life ..... left me after an up down three year marriage. Even up to the very end, I didn't think she would go through with it. I spent a month just in a state of total shock and disbelief. Then the guilt started.

I had been led to believe, by my wife, that my problems and shortcomings were the main reason for her deciding to end the marriage. I spent the following months beating myself up every day over my inability to save the marriage.

Now it is almost five months later, and I'm beginning to put pieces of the puzzle together. That, and the fact that several mutual friends of ours have come to me with information, has led me to suspect that the reason she left had nothing to do with my end after all. She simply got tired of me and wanted to upgrade. She found another man, fell in love with him and that was the end of that.

Since I found this out, it's like I've been sledgehammered in the guts. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Everything I thought and believed has been turned upside down. Including the way I feel about her. I've never been more confused and frustrated in my life. If not for an unbelievably supportive family, and a network of the best friends in the world, I think I would have given up by now. My family and friends have literally kept my head above water through the whole mess. Not to mention quite a few online friends, new and old, who have offered much wisdom and advice.

Much of what I will write here in the coming days will be about this topic. I'm sorry if it's depressing. But I have to get what's swirling around in my head out in the open. Or it will drive me insane.

I look forward to hearing from readers and especially other souls like myself who have gone through the fire and come out on the other side.

Peace
todd