Love Hurts

I'm not going to go into too much detail about how my wife and I met. It's way too involved. It involves the internet, her job, two different states, the airline industry and Stevie Ray Vaughn .... just for starters!!! Ha! Not to mention the most amazing love letter in the world ... anyway .....

We dated for a year and 4 months, commuting between NC and Iowa. She lived in Cedar Rapids at the time. We never went more than 2 weeks without seeing each other .... trying to get together more often than that when possible. In the time between weekends, which always seemed like an eternity, we sent love letters back and forth via email and spent countless hours on the telephone.

The partings were always the hardest. Gosh they were agonizing. Especially the first two. I'll never forget the first one. Sunday, December 14th 1999. An amazing 2 and a half days in Cedar Rapids with the woman I had come to love during a year of calls and emails. We got out of her car at the airport. It was gently snowing. Our breath foggy in the cold, Iowa air. It was less than 2 weeks before Christmas and I had a present for her hidden in my bag. As we started to head into the terminal, I handed it to her making her promise not to open it until Christmas. She started balling and kissed me and told me she loved me a dozen times and held onto me so tight she almost squeezed the life out of me. We walked into the terminal.

I remember us sitting quietly in the tiny boarding lounge, waiting for the equally tiny commuter plane to arrive. We sat against each other holding hands. Not saying much. Neither one of us knowing what to say. Her eyes were swollen and red .. mine were brimming and I was afraid to look at her or I'd start crying right there in the airport. Finally, the plane appeared and it was time to board. For the rest of my life I will remember how hard she held me, crying her eyes out. "I will see you again soon, right?" She barely squeaked out. "New Years" ... "I'll get you the ticket" .. I barely squeaked back. We kissed and I literally felt my stomach turn inside out. I wanted to take her with me so freakin bad. I walked out to the plane in the snow and tried not to cry. I was a mess the whole way to Kansas City and the whole way back to Greensboro, NC.

2 weeks later, she flew into GSO and I picked her up at the airport. She was supposed to stay 4 days. She ended up staying 11. I knew right then and there ... that week .... that I had found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When it came time for her to fly back to Iowa, I was the one shaking in the terminal. And just like it had been snowing in Iowa, it was raining in North Carolina. We sat in the boarding lounge holding hands and not talking again. When they called her flight, the waterworks started. From both of us. I stood there and watched her plane taxi out and felt like dying. I was a wreck until I heard from here safe and sound in her car heading back into town in Cedar Rapids.

From there, it was a cycle of 3 and 4 day weekends (thank you multiple shift swap partners) and long periods in between alone. Everytime I boarded a plane in Iowa to head back to NC, or she boarded one here to head home, we would just sit there and cry like babies. We must have drove the airline people in both cities nuts for over a year!

But I sit here now, alone ... and I think about those days ... and I wish with all my heart I could have them back. I'd give anything to go 10 days without seeing her if it meant I would get 4 wonderful days with her! Being without her is killing me slowly every day. It will be 6 months next week, and I don't miss her one iota less today than I did the first day she was gone.

I want what I had ... I want what we had ... I used to thank God every day for giving her to me ... and now I beg him every day to bring her back to me.

Love hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad, if this is the way it's always going to be ... then I don't know if I can ever love anyone again. I don't know if I can ever take the risk again. I don't know if I can stand one more heartbreak.

Oh God, Love hurts.

No remorse

I've been thinking hard about why I'm struggling so hard to forgive her.
I think it boils down to the fact that in all the times we've talked since the split, and all the times we've hung out together, she's never once showed one single ounce of remorse over the whole thing. Not one freakin speck. Not one stinkin' iota of sorrow, regret or angst over the way she treated me in the final days and weeks of our marriage.
In a note she left me in the final couple of days, when we were avoiding each other and she was staying at a friends house most of the time, she signed the note: "You're not the only one who is hurting."
You could have fooled me. That single sentence has never meant anything to me because she never demonstrated any actions to back it up. The only time she has ever said "I'm sorry" during the whole ordeal was the day we met the attorney to sign the separation papers. She said "I feel like this is my fault because I pushed too hard during the marriage. I'm sorry." That was it. Whatever that meant. She said it with a perfectly straight face as if she had rehearsed that line for a whole day. No tears, no look of sadness. Just a blank statement.
I've been talking to her Grandma some and she is just torn up over the whole thing. She said Tori never was able to stay with a man for long ... just like her mother. So why did she bother dragging me into a marriage she probably already knew wasn't going to last?
I guess I feel sorry in a strange sort of way for her current boyfriend. How soon til he gets the boom lowered on him?
He'll find out eventually.
I just wish she'd feel like I do ....I really wish she could feel some of the pain I'm feeling and know what it's like to have your heart ripped out. I don't think she's ever experienced it. She's always been the one dumping .... never the one dumped.
Some day she'll know it ...... if she ever gets the taste ... (with apologies to Ty Tabor of King's X).

I'm Having a Bad Night

Did good for a week.
As usual, it didn't last. I got up this morning and for some reason was depressed just as soon as I opened my eyes. I have spent the entire day thinking about my wife. All day long ... nonstop. I tried to stay active today, but it didn't help. I went fishing with my buds ... then we went and shot pool. Then I went to Big Lots and then to eat. But I just couldn't get her out of my head. I still can't.

The one bright spot came when I got an email from Tori's Grandmother Arlie out in Iowa. I have not talked to her since Tori and I split up, and I have really missed her. I sent her a reply back and she sent me one back. So we're catching up on things and kinda unloading on each other, because she's going through some tough times herself. Her's are heath-related. I think about her all the time and love her like my own Grandma.

Why do we hang on so hard to someone who has wronged us so bad? The fact that Tori left me for another man .... and most likely commited adultry in the process .... should be enough to make me hate her forever. And want to wash my hands of her. Forever.

But I keep clinging on and keep asking the Lord for help. Either way. Either bring us back together, or make her go away out of my life and out of my head and out of my dreams. That's why I'm so afraid to go to sleep at night. Because I can't stop dreaming about her.

I still love her and I wish I didn't!

Hoping ...

I'm hoping the worst is over. That's a broad and optimistic statement, but I hope it's true. This past week has been a really good one. Did I think about my wife? Oh yeah. Constantly. Did I instantly sink into a dark depression? Not once. I'm not really sure why. I know a couple of weeks ago I thought I had turned a major corner .. on the issue of forgiveness. But then I relapsed. But I'm back to feeling good again. Let me rephrase that ... feeling level .. even .... I'm still not back to normal and don't know that I ever will be. A part of me will always be different. Changed. Maybe for the good. Time will tell.

I'm still working hard at the whole forgiveness issue. It's so hard, but the more I can do it .... forgive, that is, the happier I am and the more at peace I am. That's why I haven't posted since Monday. I really just haven't had anything to talk about. Unusual, but promising. The more of this bitter crap I get out of my head, the less there will be to unload on these pages.

I've noticed something .. the more I concentrate on forgiving Tori, the more I feel sorry for her instead of angry at her. I think she is at heart a good, decent person. But she had a very rough childhood. A dysfunctional broken home being passed back and forth from parent to parent. Factor in some mental and physical abuse at the hands of her mom and stepdad, and the seeds are sown. She had a history of failed and dysfunctional relationships before we met .... and I guess when you're in love you just sort of overlook the warning signs. I thought maybe I would be the one who stopped the cycle. But I guess not. And that's why I feel sorry for her. She just doesn't seem to be capable of being happy. Or letting herself be happy. That's why nothing I did ever made her happy. At least after the new wore off the relationship.

I'm not only praying for myself these days, but for Tori as well. Praying hard. Maybe she's hurting as much as I am ... just from different wounds. Wounds that hurt just the same.

All this thinking and this .....thinking and wondering ...

I buried my kitty today. Not an easy thing to do. Like losing your kid or something. Tori had him when I met her, over 4 years ago. He used to hide in this patch of daffodils by her front porch and pounce on my feet when I'd walk by. The whole time I was digging, I kept thinking about that. It seems like a lifetime ago.
Tori and I only "dated" for a year and 4 months. But I can honestly say, that was the happiest time of my life. Since we lived in separate states, I only saw her on weekends. Man did I look forward to weekends! Every single one was an adventure. I have no bad memories from that era.
Actually, I have no bad memories of my marriage for the first year and a half. I wish there was a way to turn back the clock and start over. All those things I'd do differently. All the things I should have said and didn't, and shouldn't have said and did.
Shortly after Tori left me, I stood in my neighbor's yard and talked to her about what was going on. Like me, she was struggling to make sense of it all. She and Tori had become best friends, almost like sisters. When she and her husband had maritial problems the year before, she had been on the verge of leaving her husband. But Tori talked her out of it and encouraged her to hang in there and tough it out and make it work. So they went to marriage counseling and toughed it out and made it work!!!!!
And here it was less than a year later, and now Tori was the one who wanted to leave. And no matter what my neighbor said to her, she couldn't change her mind. She was at a loss to explain it like me. I remember her shaking her head .... she said Tori told her right after we moved there, that I was the "man of her dreams" ... her "prince" .... her "soulmate" ... "everything I've ever dreamed about." That she would never leave me in a thousand years and she thanked the Lord for me every night.
"I wish I knew what to tell you, Todd," she told me over and over. "I really tried to make her see the light the way she helped me... but she just refused to try."
So many unanswered questions. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could just sit down with Tori and say, "Start from the beginning and lets figure out where it all went wrong."
But I'm not holding my breath that will ever happen!

My cat died tonight

One of my cats died tonight. Jewel. Technically, he was my wife's cat. But when she left me, she left Jewel with me. I was all for it .... because I adored the guy. Jewel was a beautiful white male with gorgeous blue eyes. He was a lovable lap cat. My neighbor called me up at my mom and dad's tonight to tell me Jewel was laying in the backyard dead. When I got home it was too late to investigate too much. It was after dark.
He has marks and blood on him like he's been attacked by a dog ..... or maybe shot ..... I can't tell. Maybe the vet can tell tomorrow.
Either way, I'm freakin' so sad.
I loved the little furry lug.
He was my buddy.
Something living and tangible that reminded me of Tori when life was good.
And now he's gone too.
What else can happen in '04?
I'm sitting here just feeling miserable. I've drank most of a bottle of wine because I feel bad. Of course, that will make me feel worse in the morning! And I have to work!
Geez
Sigh .....
What else?
The wife leaves me ..... my neighbor's wife dies .... and my cat dies ..... all in the same year .....
What a year so far.
What a way to turn 40 .......

I'm So Lonely Tonight

I went down to the Catawba River in Belmont tonight. I went catfishing with my best bud. Not much luck. But we had fun. Stayed there past midnight. Haven't done that in a long time!

Which makes coming home so sad. Last year, we did this mucho, mucho times. I would come dragging in around 2:00am Saturday morning. The house would be dark except for a light on in the kitchen. I'd try to be quiet, but I'd always end up waking up Tori. She'd roll over in bed and grin all sleepily.
"Did you catch anything?"
"Yeah, a couple .... we fileted them," I'd reply and lean over and kiss her on the cheek. She's crinkle her nose and go, "yuk ... you stink!! Take a shower!!"
I'd laugh and head for the bathroom. After a hot shower, I'd slip into bed besider her. All cozy and warm and fall asleep dreaming of big catfish.

So it sucks so bad dragging in tonight to my big, ol' empty house. The familiar light on in the kitchen. But no one in the bed to sleepily greet me.

I have such a hard time late at night.
I don't sleep good anymore without her.
I don't know if I ever will again.

I've spent the last 2 days talking on the phone to her almost nonstop. I had to get some non-rev airline tickets for her daughter to go see her dad in Iowa. All the planning, checking flights and coordinating everything took lots of phone calls. It was so much like old times. Which made me miss her so much.

She was off work today. She has most Fridays off. I'll be driving down the street toward the house after work, and I'll have this brief little fantasy flash through my head. In my dream, I pull up in the driveway and her car is parked there. I go in and see her purse on the kitchen counter. Where it always used to stay. I tiptoe quietly to the bedroom and she's stretched out on the bed sleeping. I curl up beside her and she wakes up and says, "I love you and I want to come home."

And then, or course, I pull into the driveway ... the empty driveway ... and unlock the door to my empty house. It's all a fantasy. A dream. Maybe a pipe dream.

I just wonder over and over as I go to bed each night ... if she's curling up in bed with someone else?

God I wish the feelings and thoughts and dreams and fantasies and longings would just go away.
Would just disappear.
If I can't have her, then I wish I would stop dreaming about her!
Please Lord ......

Phone bills and secret mode

Ok,
Tonight's one of those nights when I just got shit I got to get off my chest. No bones about it. No special reason or anything. Quite the contrary. The ex and I have been talking on the phone a lot lately and are actually getting along good. But I have all this shit inside that bubbles up to the top. And I'm afraid if I bring it up to her, it'll just start all the bad shit over again. How many times did I just say shit? Sheesh

Towards the end of 2003, when my marriage was slowly grinding to an agonizing halt, and my wife had gone into what a friend refers to as "secret mode", I decided to do a little snooping. Before you start flaming me, know this: in the last couple of months of our marriage, my wife began to read my email behind my back and confronted me about emails I had sent to a friend concerning the deteriorating state of the marriage. My wife and I had separate email accounts, and I had nothing to hide from her. But it really chapped my ass that she saw fit to snoop on me when she was the one running around, hiding things from me, staying out all night, screwing around with other guys and generally forsaking her wedding vows. She had become about as hypocritical as a person can get.

So that's why I started snooping. I guess you can say it was in retaliation for her snooping on me. For several months I had not seen a single cell phone bill. She got home from work before I did and always got the mail first. I knew she was paying the cell phone bill, so I didn't really think too much about it. Then my mind started working on me. So while she was in Iowa for the Christmas holidays (she decided to go see her family, and asked me not to come! ha! imagine that) low and behold I got the cell phone bill. I opened it and you know how the cell phone bill has every call, incoming and outgoing itemized right there in black and white. I started checking the numbers. I pretty much knew all of them but one. I plugged it into a people search web-site, and damn if it wasn't her ex-boyfriend.
The man she had lived with for 6 years before we met.
The man she had refered to for almost 4 years as "The Blob, The Jerk, The Asshole, The Prick, The Dumbass, The Moron .... you get the picture. In all, there were 23 calls to and from this jerk-off in the month of December. Over 300 hours of talk time. Most calls lasted over an hour and were between the hours of 12:00am and 2:00am. Unbelievable.
Even more unbelievable, you know what she said when I confronted her with the bill? When she finally returned from her trip? The trip which she probably spent a large portion of with him? She said, "There's nothing going on. He's just a friend. Someone I can talk to. We have a long history and we understand each other."
Right.
The guy who once shot her cat with a handgun in the front yard, just because it annoyed him (luckily, the cat survived!).
The guy who used several newsgroup search programs to comb porn newsgroups for binaries (pics and movies) and download them into elaborate folders on his computer ... and then showed them to her!
The guy who stopped at the local strip joint on the way home from work and then would get so blotto, he would call her to come pick him up.
The guy who occassionally brought home a stripper or two to their house!
The guy who made over 70 grand a year, owned his house free and clear (it was a family farm) but made her pay all the bills if she "wanted to keep living there."
The guy who continuously asked her to make her young daughter stay at her dad's, because he didn't like having kids around.
The guy who when he found out we were seeing each other, which was months after they broke up, emailed me a link to his home-based business website which sold stun guns and then threatened to come down to NC and hold a stun gun on my nuts! ( I still wish I had forwarded that email to the Cedar Rapids, Iowa sheriff's department).

What a history, eh?
Yeah ... they "understand each other."

Give me one big, fucking break.

Why is it, that women almost universally will break their own backs to stay with, or run back to a complete loser like that ... but will drop the guy who treats them like a queen in a heartbeat if he so much as looks cross-eyed at them.
I just don't freakin' understand it.

To this day I have no idea if what she told me was the truth. Any of it. For all I know, none of the shit she said about him was true! Although, since I did receive that infamous email myself, I can attest to the fact that Bob Willia, in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, is one big, bloated, pig-faced jerk off!
Too bad I'm so much of a pussy ... or I'd email the bastard a link to this page. I have his email address to this day.

So this brings me again, to that mental battle ... namely, why in the hell would I even entertain for a second trying to get her back? After all the shit? And that's just part of it. Other stuff I haven't even talked about and might not! So why do I wake up at night with my heart racing, then cry myself back to sleep? Why do I sit around at work and ache for her touch?
Isn't it enough that she completely fucked me over? Can't I hold on to the anger and resentment? Embrace it and just flat out hate her for the rest of my life? Wouldn't that make it easier to just walk away?

The answer .... is no.
Remember all that talk about Forgiveness?
If I ever truly want to be free. I have to get it all out. All the ugliness. All the betrayal. All the hurt. I have to confront it myself.

And I have to let it go.

Period

Oh Lord, it is oh so hard.
Oh so hard.

A weekend away

Spent all day Saturday and part of today at the home of some friends of mine. About 2 and 1/2 hours away. They have a 3 year old and a 6 week old ..... quite the culture shock to be around kids .... haven't experienced that in a while.
Very good for me to get out of my own environment once in a while. Get my mind off my wife and focus on other things and other people. Very relaxing.
It's nice to have friends that you can sort of "escape" to! LOL ....
Of course, I pulled into my driveway and immediately all the feelings come rushing back in like a river breaking through a dam.
I will just be so beside myself when those feelings go away. I hate to wish my life away, but I really wish I could speed up time.
On a happy note ... got an email reply today from my step-daughter. I had emailed her last week after she and my wife came by to visit. What a sweet reply I got back. I love her so much and miss her just as much as I miss my wife.
Life marches on ...

Missing her

In the last week, I really feel like I have turned a corner. Much of the anger and frustration at my wife has gone. Through the simple process of learning to forgive. And I still have work to do.
The one constant, though ... is that I still miss her so much. That part hasn't changed at all. It may have gotten worse. Twice this week I dreamed about her as if we were still married. Then I woke up in the morning to my empty bed. And my freakin' heart just started breaking all over again.
All the little things that used to annoy me so much just seem so insignificant now.
The shoes all over the house and piled up by the front door? I'd love every pair because they were on her precious feet. The pile of dirty clothes that layered the floor on her side of the bed? I'd roll around in them now ..... If I had the chance .. because they smelled like her. The 200 towels in the bathroom, because she needed one for her hair and one for her body and one for her feet and one for her face ....lol .... I'd stand there now by the shower curtain and lovingly hand her each one when she stepped out of the shower.
And those are just a few of the little things.
So little ... and yet so very big in my memories and in my heart.
Why oh why ... Lord .....
Why does God bring two people together, make them so happy, and then watch them tear each other apart?
I didn't know it was possible to be surrounded by people ... by family and friends and coworkers .... and still be so lonely.
Lonely for the one person in my life who ever completed me.
Tori ... If you're reading this ... and I'm sure you're not .......
I love you and need you and miss you and forgive you and just wish you'd come home.

Not much to talk about

Not much on my mind today. I guess that's good. I was super-mega busy at work .. no time for my mind to wander and stew. When I got home, I had to run some errands and then I went to shoot pool with my buds.
I guess that's all for today!
=)

Rainy days, forgiveness and sad songs

My first day back to work since Friday. I took a couple of days off just for a little rest and relaxation. Nothing wrong with that. Lord knows I needed it. I was given a job which kept me very busy today, which was good. For some reason, my mind seems to wander the most at work. I'm usually more depressed there than I am even at home. Which is weird. Home is where all the reminders are. Where all the memories are.
So luckily, I was busy so I didn't have a whole lot of time to think. I guess that's good. Rainy days always make me melancholy anyway, I didn't need any help.
I've been thinking about forgiveness pretty much nonstop since Sunday. I've decided it's the whole key to my recovery. I was doing good until I heard about the boyfriend almost a month ago. That set the whole depression thing off. Anger. Anger at her. At him. At certain of her friends who I know played roles in the whole mess. Anger even at myself for not doing the right things when I had the chance. Had I not gone into such an internal rage, I wouldn't have plummeted into the depressed state I've been in.
So how to get rid of the anger? FORGIVE. That's so much easier said than done. That old adage "Forgive and forget." Sometimes it's easy to forgive, but not to forget. Sometimes you forget but never really forgive deep down inside.
I'm not sure where I stand on the forgetting. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I simply have to forgive her to move on. To heal. But should I forget?
Or always remember as an example of how not to do it in the future? To remember the pain so as not to ever inflict it on another?
I've got to work on it gradually and in my own time. Stumbling towards the answer little by little. A cut on your finger doesn't heal over night. It takes time. A cut to your heart doesn't heal any easier.
So what's the deal with country music anyway? This little poolroom I hang out at has a very eclectic jukebox. Everything from raging heavy metal, to Mississippi blues and country twang. On any given night, you'll hear all of the above. Tonight, I'm shooting a little 8-ball with my bud, Skip. Some song by some country artist .. I have no idea who .. a man .... the chorus went something like "I remember ....." Anyway, it was the saddest freaking song I have ever heard. A guy sitting around alone aching for his lost love. Going back over all the memories of when their love was good. My freakin' life in a song. Ever notice, when you're depressed or sad, every other song you hear on the radio or jukebox will make you cry? I wish I was a better songwriter .. I would have a goldmine of songs from this year in my life.
Forgiveness.
I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. I've had the one for almost 10 years now. I always said I would get another one some day. Maybe something having to do with forgiveness. It's my new motto.....my catchphrase .... my purpose.
Forgiveness is damn hard, people!

Forgiveness

The link in the post below is to an article I found on forgiveness.
It's kind of lengthy .... but I found it interesting.

The Visual Writer, LLC

The Visual Writer, LLC

Hugs are nice

My wife, Tori, called me today. I was out and about with my neighbor .. we were going fishing. (Do you see a secondary theme to this blog already forming? Maybe I should have called it "Fishing with Todd" LOL) So she called and asked if there was any mail for her at the house. I told her there was so she said she'd swing by the house later to pick it up.
Amazing how just that little statement got my emotions to stirring and my heart fluttering. I'm still in that stage ... I want to see her and be around her ... and I don't want to see her and be around her. I wish she'd come to her senses, ask for forgiveness and come back home .... and I wish she'd get out of my life forever. It's like a war going on in my head. I wonder sometimes if it's God testing me .... to see exactly where my heart lies in the whole matter.
So later this afternoon, I'm mowing the grass and she pulls up. That little red car that torments me from my window at work (see earlier post). My step-daughter, Stacia, is with her. I haven't seen her in over a month. They're both all smiles and in good moods. Which is good, because the last time the wife came over she was in a bad mood and didn't say much. Just got a few things and left.
We walked around the yard looking at the flowers. Discussing how things were growing and changing. She walked over next door to say hi to a neighbor. I got to spend a few quality minutes with my step-daughter. I miss her so much too. She's tall and beautiful. 16 years old getting ready to turn 17. The best years of her life. She has a great boyfriend who I'd be proud to call my son. She has the whole world at her feet. And I hope and pray with all my heart that she never feels the pain I'm going through. We chatted for a few minutes about school and her part-time job. Her smile was infectious. Like a big, bright sun shining in my front yard!! I wanted to tell her, "Go talk some sense into your mother." But I don't need to. I know she feels the same way. I know she didn't want to leave and misses our house and the yard and her rock garden she sculpted out back one stone at a time.
The wife comes back from the neighgor's and we go inside for a minute. She and Stacia play with my cats and we chat for a while. Then it's time for them to leave. Way too soon. 20 minutes of heaven in my house. 20 minutes I wish could keep on going. Like it used to.
I walk them to their car. Last time Tori was here, she left in a hurry. Today .. they linger .. more small talk by the car. I'm hot and sweaty from mowing, but Stacia wants to give me a hug. I do the ol' polite little "friendly" hug .. but she squeezes me tight and says "See ya later." The ol' lump in the throat starts forming. I turn to go inside and Tori comes over. Puts her arms out. At first I don't want to. But I can't help it. We hug. I whisper in her ear, "You look really nice." She blushes just slightly and smiles. It's the first hug between us in months. We used to hug all the time. Hugs are amazing things. They are good for the soul. They make you feel loved. Whether it's between a husband and wife, a parent and child, or just between two good friends sharing good time together.
So I got two hugs today. Two very special hugs. I don't know how this will impact my emotions later ... but for now my soul feels lifted.
I've been thinking and praying an awfully lot lately about forgiveness. Forgiveness heals us and catapults us forward to a new beginning.
I'm working on it. I'm really working on it. It's hard. It's real hard. And it won't happen overnight.
But hugs help.
Hugs help alot.
Especially two very special hugs from two very special people.

Things God does to get our attention

God does intervene in our lives in mysterious and wonderful ways. So often we forget this. I have known from the beginning of my ordeal that I was not alone. God was with me. He felt the hurt I was going through and I knew he would help me. But sometimes it's easy to lose faith ... and lose sight of that simple truth.
I awoke this morning feeling pretty lousy. Tori was the first thing I thought about when I sat up in bed. Even before I looked at the clock or swung my feet over the edge of the bed, I was already thinking about her and missing her. It's that way often. And unfortunately, that sets the tone for the whole day. So that's how today started.
I got up and about, got some coffee going and sat down to read the Sunday newspaper. Hmmmm .... I never did get around to opening Saturday's Observer, so I'll just thumb through it real quick to make sure I didn't miss anything.
There in Saturday's religion section, is a column by Lyn Hinton. Ms. Hinton is a minister and writes on issues of faith and family. Her topic this time was on "forgiveness." Specifically, forgiveness related to marriage and infidelity. As I read her gentle words of hope and faith, I could feel a quiet calm oozing through my spirit. It was as if a divine hand led me to open the paper to that page and read those words. I felt the lump in my throat and said a quiet prayer of thanks. I cut the article out, highlighted the parts which hit home to me, and stuck in on my already cluttered refrigerator. To read and re-read over the days and weeks to come.
Pretty cool, eh? It gets better. So I then skip over to the comics section to catch up on my faves ..... while I'm there I always read Billy Graham's column as well.
Surprise ... the topic this day? A man wrote Dr. Graham because his wife had left him for another man (he even mentioned the cause as financial problems ... hello) and he was at a low point and feeling like a complete failure. Now my eyes were misting over and the lump had come back with a vengeance. I read Dr. Graham's response ... full of hope and support and reassurance that this man had not forsaken his wedding vows .... so he was not a failure! God loved him and knew his pain and wanted to walk with him through it and help him overcome it.
Wow!!! Unbelievable. Two things in one day .. in one issue of the newspaper.... which spoke directly to my pain and my particular problems. (Sound familiar, Steve M.?) =)
Does that mean the pain and depression just instantly lifted and the sun came out? Of course not. But it has refreshed and restored my soul today in an amazing way. I feel a peace today which I haven't felt in a while. I don't know how long it will last .. but if I continue to trust God to help me ..... and continue to re-read these articles ... yes, I put Dr. Graham's on the fridge too ..... then I can sense that the battle may be won in due time. In due time being the operative phrase.
God has his own time and his own agenda ... we're partners with him and we do it together. I hope the reminders keep coming in like they did today. I needed it greatly.
The pain is real .... but God is more real ..... and hopefully, with a little help, eventually the forgiveness and fullfillment will be real as well!!!!
Peace

A Drug-Free Depression ... is it possible?

Got to clarify that headline. What I mean is this: is it possible to battle and get through depression without resorting to the use of drugs? I'm not talking about the illegal variety. I mean your prescription anti-depressents. Your Prozacs and your Paxils and your Xanaxs ......
Several well-meaning friends have suggested to me that maybe I should seek out professional counseling to help with my depression. Those suggesting this have all been through it at one time or another. Problem is, all of them were at some time prescribed some sort of anti-depressent by their therapist. Maybe this is good .... I'm not sure. But I'm just really leery of getting on the pill train. I know too many people who have gotten on and can't get off .... even years later.
I'm just trying to do the best I can, one day at a time, and rely on prayer, my faith in God, my family and friends, and all the self-help books I can get my hands on. I'm really afraid of the pill train.
Today ... I did alright. Kept busy all day. That helps. Only got down in the dumps and missing Tori once today. Managed to snap myself out of it. But that doesn't happen every day.
Night time .. like right now .. as I'm getting ready for bed .. is when I miss her the most.
I miss her tonight.

I Have The Best Friends in The World

I spent Friday night at home. Hate doing that. But my two "running buddies" went fishing today while I was at work and they were too pooped to go out anywhere tonight. I guess they caught too many fish today ... wore them out! We all should have that problem!
I picked up an email a few minutes ago from an old friend. It has literlly made my entire week. I won't go into details here because it is personal, suffice it to say this person has been through the fire ... and emerged on the other side. Victorious. The kind of story I need to hear. I will be spending the next few minutes crafting an email to him. But Steve, if you're reading this ..... you have no idea what it means to have a friend such as yourself! God Bless You

How much time?

I asked this coworker of mine today how much time does it take to get over a marriage?
He's been divorced for years. He thought about it a minute and said that it took him at least 6 months to even get his head on straight. And even after that it was months more before he could even think about dating .... or even other women in general.
That made me feel a little better. It's been 5 months for me and I still feel like I have a long way to go. My wife, who has a boyfriend already from what I'm hearing, obviously got over me fast!! In a big way!!!!
That just makes the pain deeper, unfortunately. Whatever it was I couldn't give her .... she obviously had no trouble finding a man who could. I don't know whether to hate her or try to get her back.
I had a dream the other night that she called me crying, said she had screwed up and just wanted to come home. In my dream, I told her, "I've got to think about it." I woke up and never knew what happened. I wonder sometimes ...... how would I react if she called me tonight and said that very thing? Would I burst into tears and say, "Baby, the door is open ... I love you and forgive you ....." Or would I have to "think about it?"
Sigh ...... more stuff to think about.
I'm drinking again. Managed to go the whole weekend up to last night without an alcohol. Thought maybe I was making progress. But the wagon is slippery and sometimes I fall off.
Southern Comfort. It was the first drink we shared together. December of '99. It still tastes good today ... but not as good as when we shared it together.

Why?

I'm sitting here crying and I don't know why I still love her so much. The way she treated me. The last year of our marriage she pretty much treated me like shit. Like a dog. She walked all over my feelings and didn't give a shit. She nagged and scolded and talked down to me like a child every chance she could. She never had anything to do with my family, but expected me to get on a plane with her and fly out of state every time she wanted to go home. Her kid could cuss her out to her face, and ten minutes later they would be on the floor giggling and friends again. If I just raised an eyebrow at her at the wrong time, I might be on her shit list for 2 days. My wife always said to me, "I never get anything from you .....you never tell me anything, you never let me know what you're thinking or how you feel about anything." That's because it didn't matter to her. She didn't give a damn about the way I felt about anything. When I did tell her my feelings or thoughts on a subject, she took delight in criticising everything I said and making me feel like my feelings were not valid. I lost all self esteem and self confidence the last year we were together. I lost my manhood. She took it away from me then rubbed it in my face by leaving me for another man.
God, sometimes I hate her so freakin' much.
Then other times I love her and can't stand to be away from her.
I don't understand this dynamic at all. By all rights I should be glad to be rid of her .... so why don't I feel this way?
Why do I love her so much and miss her so much and just want her back home?
I just want her back home.
I want my wife back.
I want what we had before.
I want to love her again.
I want to hold her again.
I'll do anything to get her back.

Depression

Back on the bottom again today. I have a window at work that faces the street. My wife drives by my window every day on her way to and from work. It's the only route she can take. When we were married, I loved to keep watch around the appropriate time and try to spot her little red cavalier as it went by. Many times, I'd see her go by and I'd call her on her cell phone. We'd chat a little as she drove in to work. God that seems so long ago. Now, I still stare out that window around 7am. Looking for the little red cavalier. I thought I saw it go by this morning and my heart jumped up in my throat. I wanted to call her on the cell so bad. But I didn't. Some days I don't have the courage to talk to her .... but sit around wishing she would call.
So I'm sitting on the couch around 9:30p tonight, and I decide I'm going to call her. I'm nervous like a teenager. Heart thumping, throat dry. No answer at her home. Or on her cell. Now my mind is spinning. Wonder where she is? Who she's with? Friends? This new guy I keep hearing whispers about? Is she at his house, maybe curled up on the couch with him, watching a movie ..... like we used to do? I can picture her leaning over onto the floor to pick up her cell phone from her purse .... "Who is it?" dickweed asks her. She gets a strange look on her face. "It's Todd .... I wonder what he wants this time of night? ... I'll let the voicemail get it." He smiles at her and hugs her close as she tosses the cell back into her purse and snuggles back into his arms. Arms that should be mine.
Oh God .... it hurts so bad. Why does my mind just conjure up stuff like this? It tortures me ... but I love her so bad I just can't bear to imagine her with anyone else!!!
I wish someone would help me find a way to move on with my life. To get help. To get answers. To get some peace.
I love her so much and I miss her so much and I don't know if I'll ever be over her ............................................

Strange coincidence

So I'm standing at my work station today ... bored as usual. Lost in my own thoughts. I start thinking about Tori. When's the last time I talked to her? Did I call her, or she call me? Does it matter? Wonder what she's doing today. While I'm thinking all this, my cell rings. You guessed it. I couldn't answer it either, because there was a company "bigwig" standing about 5 feet from me and cell phones on the job are officially against company policy. Luckily I had it set on "vibrate" only.
So I call her back a little while later when the coast is clear. A nice conversation. We talked about some legal problems a mutual "aquaintance" of ours is having. We talked about our jobs. She asked me how I was getting along. I was honest. Told her not so good lately. Been on a down slide. She acted like she wanted to say something ... but couldn't because of where she was(work) ..... said she had to go (I could hear her boss talking to her in the background) ... signed off with a sorta cheery, "I'll call you again here in the next couple of days when it's a better time and we can talk."
I don't know what that means. I won't let myself get excited that it's good news. For all I know she could be calling to tell me about her new man ... or her job situation ... or whatever. But a tiny little part of my brain keeps going, "what if she wants to talk about us?" .....